13th August 2014
On the eve of my 2nd cancerversary, I'm shocked that it slipped my mind.
Here I was working my arse off doing a workout when cooling down, I start mentally ticking off my to do list for the rest of the week. BOOM... I literally held my breath "surely I haven't forgotten??".
A quick check of the calendar and tomorrow marks my second cancerversary.
I have re-read my very first blog, the emotion has hit me hard, the unknown was so unbearably scary and here I sit, 2 years on.
Things have changed since my diagnosis. My body & mind have been through hell, I've cried many tears, wanted my Mum and lost some friends along the way. I've wanted the noise in my head to stop, the worry to ease, inner peace to come. Will inner peace ever come????
As I write this, I'm NEC.... "No Evidence of Cancer". I'm am overjoyed to be NEC, I'm also bloody petrified that this beast will return. For those of us who are NEC, we live in fear that the beast will return, every little niggle we are worried about and want checked out. We are on the cancer bus and the bell won't work, we can't get off at the next stop, we are sitting at the back of the bus, just waiting, waiting for it to stop.
My body is still recovering from my Lat Dorsi Reconstruction. Movement in my left shoulder/arm is limited and my physio and I are seeing alot of each other. I'm scared I will end up with Lymphoedema, this can come on very quick, so I'm careful in what I do with my left arm, no sun etc.
My new girls aren't what you would expect. Reconstruction surgery is a tough gig and the outcome will never be exactly how you envisaged. My new girls are not perfect but I guess, perfect for me.
On Friday I have my 3 month check up with my breast surgeon. We will talk about nipples again. He creates the nipples by drawing a star on your breast, cutting, then twisting into a star. I won't have any feeling to them, I will have to have them tattooed for colouring, do I want them? I'm just not sure?? Will they make me feel better about myself... maybe, maybe not? Will they look good... maybe, maybe not?? Do the risks of another surgery drive me to complete my reconstruction... I just don't know.
Every medical appointment brings more fear. I see the fear in my daughters eyes when she enquires how the appointment went. I don't think this fear will change, it truly hurts my heart to see her fear.
You may think having nipples constructed would be an easy choice, it's probably the hardest one for me to make. What if I have them done and they look hideous? Whilst I don't love my boobs now, they don't make me cringe, "it is what it is".
As I stare in my bathroom mirror, I see a body that is battered, a body that is working hard to see me through to an old age.
I don't feel beautiful, how can I. I have huge scars on my back and on my chest. I feel awesome when I work out, I feel fit and healthy, do I need to feel beautiful??? Does my husband 'really' think I'm beautiful???? For those who know my hubby, will answer yes of course he does. I think he does, but does he 'really' think so. We talk but does he hide how he is really feeling??
You see, while I'm going through hell and back, my hubby is also on the journey. When was the last time someone said to him 'are you ok?'. "How are you really feeling about seeing your wife go through everything?".
On this 2nd cancerversary of my diagnosis I write:
Dear Shaz,
Over the last 2 years, you have faced cancer, treatment, reconstruction and life, with strength, positivity and your heart full of love.
I know you struggle with your memory and verbally communicating when you are exhausted, I know this frustrates you. It's ok, take a deep breathe, sit down and relax.
I know you always strive to see the good in every situation, it's ok to admit situations/people are just crap and that you are hurt.
I am proud of you and I love you!
Live every minute of every day and laugh, laugh until you cry and continue to love unconditionally.
Happy 2nd Cancerversary!
Love Shaz xxx
My beautiful friend. I am brought to tears as I read your latest blog. I have wished endlessly to be closer to you during this journey, not on the opposite side of the country, but know that I hold you in my heart every day. You have been amazing on this journey, a journey that as you say, just seems to continue. You have showed the most incredible strength, positivity, whilst remaining honest and vulnerable. You have fought an incredible battle and yes you have the battle scars to prove it. I love you for exactly who you are ……………. with or without nipples :-)
ReplyDeleteI am so proud to call you my friend. Love you always. xx