I sit here 12 months on from my last post and wonder where the time has gone. Many things have happened over the last 12 months.
After my last post, the family and I headed to Coral Bay (WA) camping in a caravan. We had such an awesome time with friends, the entire family forgot about day to day stresses and we fished, off roading, ate/drank and laughed alot.
The plan was as written in my last blog, to get myself a new set of nipples, I met with my surgeon, we filled the paper work out and it was decided I would get them after our trip. As we know, life doesn't always go to plan.
Shortly after returning from our trip, our beautiful big black baby, Bella had a seizure on Miss 16's bed. It was 5.30am Sunday morning and our daughter came running into our room screaming something is wrong with Bella. Sadly this wasn't her only seizure that day, she ended up in a vet hospital over night with the vets suggesting she may have brain cancer and liver damage. As you can imagine, this was devastating news for all of us. Bella was given medication to control the seizures and sent home with follow up needed.
Long story short, I didn't want to know if she had brain cancer, I didn't want her to have chemo, I didn't want to see her sick. We sat in limbo for 2 months, giving daily seizure meds and loving her. It was a Thursday and our beautiful girl had a seizure on her medication, seeing her body thrash around on the floor had me petrified for her, for me and what would be coming. My hubby came home and we decided it was time to say goodbye. We arranged for a vet to come to our house and put her to sleep. Kids were picked up from school and the 4 of us sat and talked to Bella, told her how much she means to us and that we were sorry.
That day I lost someone who had sat with me everyday of my cancer journey and loved me, didn't want a single thing from me, listened to my fears, walked with me after chemo's, radiation and recovery and was just a beautiful friend.
Having cancer is a lonely road, anybody who hasn't had the big C diagnosis can't truly understand, yes I can talk to my family/friends but it gets frustrating when flippant comments are made. Bella was my confidant and I miss her terribly.
The loss of Bella has affected me greatly. I was not interested in doing anything that saw me outside having fun. I didn't have my mate with me so a simple walk felt incomplete. I became so busy with other commitments and worries that I put this latest surgery at the back of my mind "not sure I want nipples!."
Which brings me to my 3rd cancerversary.
I'm getting nipples, I've decided I need them to feel normal, hang on what is normal ?? I guess I'm saying 'my' normal. The scars all tell a story and I'm proud of those scars but it's time to look more like me. I need to close that chapter and look forward and hope that the big c never comes knocking. I need my husband to look at me and not see the woman who had to have those big boobs removed because of cancer.
So I'm back into walking and running. I'm back into push ups and planks. I'm back into being the best version of myself.My hair is growing and just this week I managed to put it in a teeny tiny pony tail. I'm undecided if I want to grow my hair or have a trendy pixi cut.
I worry about who my friends and hope they continue to self check, 1 in 8 is so shocking to me, scares me and has me holding my breathe, "who is next?".
I remind myself daily, to not sweat the small stuff and release the stresses of negativity around me. I remind myself daily, how lucky I am to be here 3 years on.
3 years on, I remind you to stop and smell the roses, love those close to you deeply and never ignore your health.
Cheers to life!
With love
Shaz x
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