Tuesday 15th January
I ventured off to TAC 5 with my good friend Jules. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks so had loads to catch up on.
We got a park straight away and headed up to sit in the cool of the hospital. Thankfully my wait to see Prof Chan was quick. My bloods were perfect again (YAH!!) I spoke with her about the lose of feeling in my finger tips. I know this is a side effect but didn't expect it. My finger tip and palms feel burnt and dry. I was instructed to lather with moisturiser and be careful when picked things up.
I ordered my chemo and headed up to the chemo ward. Once again I had the "butcher"! I've nicknamed this nurse 'the butcher', as I have seen her struggling to find the vein, in a couple of women. I am the biggest wuss and really dislike having blood taken or cannula's put in. My phobia escalates when I see a nurse struggling, so again I told her "one try and get me someone else". Thankfully she got it and we could laugh. Jules wanted me to hold her hand, she could see the look on my face (and she hates needles herself)
TAC 5 ran through again without any problems :)
I arrived home and burst into tears. I can't believe I have just been through 5 chemo's! I can't believe I am nearly at the end of this chemo nightmare. My little man was playing in the street and thankfully Miss 13 was in her room. She hugged me so tight. I told her I was crying with happiness (not sure she believed me, my tears were huge and I was making all sorts of noises) I cried long and hard and then laughed. Oh lordy... what will I be like after number 6???
This time, I haven't kept up with my anti-inflammatories and have felt the affects of my Neulasta injections. In the last 5 days, I have spent relaxing on the couch and I have struggled to muster any energy. Thank goodness the kids are on holiday, as I couldn't even drive to get fresh bread. My eyes keep twitching and my contact lenses are moving around my eyes like Pakeman chasing an alien.
I have been trying to book my radiation in (girl has been sick) Finally spoke with someone this morning, I will be measured up the week after my last chemo and Radiation will begin 3 weeks from that date.
I have an appointment with my Breast Surgeon in 10 days and I'm hoping he can give me some indication when my reduction and reconstruction will be.
Thinking about this appointment, got me thinking about the hangups some of us have on our bodies. We all know life is not perfect, so why do we insist on trying to achieve the perfect body??? Why do we judge ourselves and others constantly??? Why can't we be happy????
Before I was diagnosed I moaned about my chin, have always had a double chin, Miss 13 is the same , didn't matter what I did, still had it. (didn't try lipo) I also disliked my boobs, too big. My hubby on the other hand, loves big boobs (of course) He would dismiss my moans and tell me I look great. BUT with all my moans, I was happy.
I'm not fat and I'm not super skinny but I WAS extremely fit and I did this by working hard with some awesome trainers and training buddies. I have a good diet and love a good vino or 2. I have an amazing family, I volunteer for a wonderful not-for profit charity and I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm kind, caring and am at peace with my life.
Does all this + my double chin and big boobs, make me happy?? Yes, it does!
Life is short, don't waste your time trying to shortcut life. (if you need to loose weight, work out and eat healthy) Shortcuts will ALWAYS get you lost, angry and sad. The long journey will always end up being the happiest. It will be hard, trying and a number of tears may be shed, but it's so worth it.
So, stop judging yourself and others!!
My journey is not over, I'll get my small girls but at the price of Breast Cancer. I'm still walking the long way round to my pre-BC life, but with one foot in front of the other, I will get to it and I'll keep smiling every step of the way.
love and hugs
Shaz xxxxxx
