Anxious

Sunday 26th August


Have walked around the last 2 days in a daze with tears brimming my eye lids.

Miss 13 played netball yesterday and all the girls wore pink ribbons.  I only noticed when watching them warm up.  I had to walk away as tears streamed down my face.  It was such a  beautiful gesture.  The girls play in the 1st semi final tomorrow at 6.30pm.  I want the team to play hard and to win.... I feel sad that i will miss my first game in a years.

Hubby's shingles are all over his left side and look painful.  After standing at netball for over an hour, he has swollen ankles.... WT????

Hubby asked me what I wanted to do today "weed" was my response.  So out the front we went until Dad and a friend turned up.

I'm feeling anxious as the second, minutes, hours pass.  I'm struggling to hold a conversation, as soon as I open my mouth the tears are ready to fall.  My chest is so heavy (not with the size of my boobs lol)
We have decided to leave the kids off school and have them come up and see me later in the day.

My FB wall is full of messages wishing me well, profiles have been changed to the pink ribbon.  I'm overwhelmed (i know i keep saying this but i am) with the love and support.  Tears keep pouring...

I still have to pack my bag, I'm putting of :(  Off to do the ironing.

lots of love
Shaz xxxxxx

Feeling good

Friday 24th August

Have spent the day reflecting.....

I rushed into Lakeside to get my pj's and have my eyebrows threaded and all I saw was Mum's with toddlers.  A rush of memories came flooding back..... I wish I could go back to those days.  I loved food shopping when the kids were little, the endless chatter, the smiles and the bright eyes.

I went back to work when Miss 13 was 6 months and went on mat leave when she was 4.  I regret not having those beautiful years with her and missing so many milestones.  I chose to work and at the time was the perfect choice but on reflection, was it??
When Master 9 came along, he was diagnosed with CDH so his journey was very different to our first child.  I couldn't return to work after he was born and have been a home goddess every since.  I love playing Mum, I love being Mum, seeing your babies smile at you (or roll eyes) melts my heart.  I tell my kids I am the coolest mum around :)
I'm really proud of both my babies.  Miss 13 is compassionate, loving, kind, very funny and an absolute joy to be around.  Yes, she has at times a bad attitude but never shows this when we are out.
Master 9 is loving, kind, very funny and has a  beautiful soul,   BUT he is also,  your average 9 year old little shit.

I had coffee with a close friend today, cheeky bitch asked if I can leave her my Tiffany Jewellery!  *remember to hide jewellery when she visits*
She asked me how I feel about the anesthetic.  I have NEVER been under so am feeling stressed,  as not sure what to expect.

Hubby went to the GP and yep has shingles.  Didn't I tell you we do everything together HAHA  Poor thing isn't concentrating at work,  so is painting a wall in the office today.

I have asked myself this question a few times over the years "would I change anything in my life"  "NOPE"  

Being diagnosed with BC is another hurdle to overcome and say "Bring it!"

So today I'm feeling..... calm (apart from worrying about going under a general anesthetic)

It's Friday and I'm going to top my glass to half full and enjoy some bubbles.

Be kind to yourself, if I can do it, so can you!

lots of love
Shaz xxxxxx

Routine

Thursday 23rd August

My gloomy day went on into the night.  Ended up with a flat tyre after driving over a nail, so 8pm last night my hubby was changing it over to the spare.

Hubby has come down with shingles :(  Have nagged him today to see his gp so he better bloody go! (YES... NAGGING AGAIN!)  He has never had them before and they look so sore.  


Had an ok day for a Thursday.

Started the day with my last game of Volleyball for awhile,   I'm going to miss playing and hope to be back when I have recovered.  While waiting for my team members, I heard another lady talking about a friend who has cancer and how sad she felt.  I instantly came out with "I recently got diagnosed with Breast Cancer and am having surgery on Monday, I hope your friend is ok"
Low and behold, I said this without shedding a  tear.


I caught up for coffee with 2 amazing ladies. I was a bit flat energy wise, so must apologise for the moments of silence.  We had a few good laughs which is always good for the soul.  I talked about surgery day and couldn't stop myself from crying when I spoke about my babies.  I don't want to be without them for a few days. (I RARELY leave them and have friends who will vouch for my sooking)

This afternoon I spent some time reading through my BCN booklets.  Such great tools to have on this journey.

After having to cancel 3 waxing appointments, Miss 13 and I are off to get our legs waxed.  I definitely don't want to have surgery with hairy legs.  You never know I might be lucky enough to have a gorgeous male nurse me (I wish!!)

Tonight, I feel back to my old self... my glass is half full :)

lots of love
xxxxx

Gloomy Day

Wednesday 22nd August


Having a "oh why me" day!  I really dislike feeling like this and have been keeping myself busy with organising stuff.

I'm so frightened of the worse scenario happening.  I have so many plans...all of them involving me.
Yes, I've been on Dr Google today and that bastard has nothing nice to say!  I know, I know keep off!!!
The unknown scares me......

I have read and re-read all the messages that have been left on my FB wall and via PM.  I am so overwhelmed it's not funny.  I can't begin to express how you have all made me feel, just know, I feel blessed to have such a wonderful group of people supporting me.

Received my BCN pack today and what a great support tool it is.  Made me feel happier knowing  BCN is helping 1000's of women and men with BC.
Until you have be directly involved with a serious health issue in your family,  you have no idea how important support groups are.  It instantly takes the lonely feeling away, knowing someone, somewhere has travelled a similar journey and  saw the sky become clearer........eventually.

My CDH Australia Family are important to me.  Some of us have shared deep dark thoughts, many tears and laughs.  These people are my family and I love them all so much.

Since my diagnosis 3 friends have booked a mammogram,   I wish them nothing but good luck.

Best be off to get the kids from school, then an afternoon of homework and  netball.

My glass is half full if I squint.

lots of love
Shaz xxx

Calm before the storm

Tuesday 21st August

One week on from my diagnosis of Breast Cancer and so much has happened. 
It's the first time in 17 years, that my hubby has been happy to have private insurance, I did LOL when he told me this.  We are so thankful that tests have been performed quickly, the unknown is unbearable and the what if's were on repeat.

Master 9  is coughing and snotty,  so will spend the day at home with a visit to the GP at 11.10am.  Hoping he is well very soon.   I don't want to get sick before surgery, Monday is the start to my recovery.

I was vacuuming this morning and found myself singing "What a day this has been, What a rare mood I'm in,  Why it's almost like being in love".  Nothing like a good old Frank Sinatra song to brighten your day.

Last night I decided to share my journey with my Facebook friends.  The out pouring of love and support is again, so overwhelming.  I'm blessed to have so many people sending, prayers, love, support and positive thoughts.  Thank you!!!

City to Surf is this weekend,  hubby and I were meant to be  running in the 12k, had a chat about it and decided    not too.  Don't need the body tired on Monday, our rego will just be a donation to ACTIV.  
Oh well, looks like we will have to do the 1/2 marathon next year.

So my plans today, buy PJ's for hospital and write a list of what I need to do before Monday.

Sitting typing and my water glass is half full, life is good!

lots of love
Shaz xx

Waiting game....

Monday 7.05pm

Last 2 days have been full on with netball commitments,  that I have had,  little time to stress myself out with waiting for my CT results.

Quiz night was fun and was a late night.  Up early Sunday and headed to a netball carnival.  We were all glad to arrive home and put our feet up.

Surgeon's Appointment

Headed into my appointment early as office called and said they had a couple of cancellations.

Surgeon told us CT was clear {OMG OMG OMG}  and asked when I would like surgery.  After telling him ASAP,  I was asked if next Monday 27th August was ok.

SO...  Surgery next Monday 27th August:  arrive at The Mount at 7.30am and have my lump/lymph nodes removed.  Hopefully only in for 2 days and have post surgery appointment on Friday 7/9.  Will then know pathology results and will discuss Chemo and Radiation treatment plan.

I'm feeling drained from the whirlwind week but feeling positive and am looking forward to Monday (may disagree when i experience post surgery pain... I'm a wuss)

I'm going to have a glass of wine and enjoy my night with my beautiful family... YES, my glass will be half full.

lots of love
Shaz xxxxx

Stress, Tears and Bubbles

Friday 11pm


Boy what a long day at the hospital, I am so tired :(

I went alone, Dad would of gladly come with me  but I knew it would be such a long day for him that I decided to take a book and sit alone.

When I arrived at the Mount, couldn't find a park, drove around again and thankfully got one.  The parking attendant asked "can you reverse park"  I chuckled to myself as I answer "of course".

I was early so sat in the car awhile and checked emails.
At 10.05 I made my way up to level 2 to have my CT scan.  I was given the choice of Orange or Blackcurrant drink and told to drink 2 cups quickly then sip the rest over an hour.
Good news was I didn't have to hold the fluid :)  Of course I went for a pee and could hear someone calling me..

I followed the young man into an area and was told to take everything off and put on the gown.  When I had changed, we went into the CT room.  I was asked to lay on the bed... {OMG my legs are SOOO hairy... I had to cancel 2 waxing appointments this week}  "please ignore my very hairy legs"  with that he covered them up with a blanket and said "this is to keep you warm, i'm not covering the hairy legs" I was so embarrassed and lay quietly as he put a cannula in and hooked me up to the contrast dye.

With my arms above my head, I was asked to listen to the CT machine and do what it instructed - "breathe in, breathe out"
After a 10 minute scan, he cleaned up my arm (blood was everywhere) and strapped the cannula so it wouldn't catch on my cardigan.

I changed then went to pay, holy shit $709!

I had alittle time to  kill before my visit to Nuclear Medicine, so grabbed the chance to call my hubby and fill him in. (hubby had to work as a staff member had the day off)  Talking with my life partner always calms me, we have been together 17 years and when we met, I had red hair and was VERY fiery (hmmmm, yes I have to admit I was)  This gentle soul is laid back,  takes a lot to wind him up (I've tried)

sorry... rambling

Anyway, I headed up to level 4 and finally found Nuclear Medicine.  I've found all departments at The Mount to have such great staff.  I was greeted with a smile and asked to fill in paper work.  Once completed,  I was taken into a cubicle  had bloods taken and injected with  radioactive tracers.

I now had a 3 hour wait and had to drink 2l of fluid.  Time for lunch and start drinking the water.  I had to ask a number of people in the coffee shop to keep an eye on my water and book as I needed to pee.

3;15pm, I was taken into see "Mikey",  he is the machine that was going to scan my body.  I was told it would scan my head for 7 mins and it would be close to my face. {OMG OMG OMG... claustrophobic"}  Tears rolled down my face, then I began to shake.  I was comforted by a gorgeous young lady who reassured me I would be ok.  The doctor came in and asked if I need my hand held.  With a "no, I'm ok" the 45 minute scan started.

Mikey scanned my body, then did more scans of my head left/right and ribs left/right.

When finished, I was told the doc wanted to see me. {OMG OMG}  As I walked into reception, the doctor walked out with 2 glasses... Champagne glasses, filled 1/2 way with Bubbles, "Congratulations bone scan i clear"

OMG.... WHAT..... OMG..... My hands went to my face and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  I asked this gorgeous man, who had just told me by body scan was cancer free, if I could hug him.  I gave him the biggest hug.  I then cried some more and even had the receptionist crying.  I was given cheese and biscuits to go with my bubbles and I stayed for 15 minutes and chatted with them.  We talked about our kids, my Mum's mesothelioma and cancer.

When I walked out I couldn't wait to call my hubby.  I wept as I told him my 'good news'.
I can now cross that test off my worry list.

On Monday I see my surgeon at 4;45pm and get the CT results.  I hope with all my being that it comes back clear.

Yes, my glass was half full yesterday and to top it off,  it had bubbles in it.

lots of love
Shaz xxxxxx

Test day

Friday 7:53am

I'm off for my CT and Bone scan today.  Feeling overwhelmed after having a positive night.

I've lost 1.3 kilos since Monday, my ears are dark and I think I look sick.  My hubby reminded me how stressed I am and that's the reason for the weight loss and dark eyes, i know this but can't get out of my mind "I can breast cancer".

Some of the netball committee and I organised the prizes.  We had a laugh.  One of the gorgeous ladies gave me a beautiful Willow Tree figurine "Health and Happiness', so thoughtful - thanks!

I don't have much to say this morning, I'm peeved that the train line is closed so every man and his dog will be on the freeway.

Hanging on to my glass half full.

love
Shaz x

tick tick tick

Thursday 11pm:

I had a flashback whilst driving into my appointment today.  April 30th 2003, 5.45am heading to KEMH to deliver my son via C-Section.  Fear gripped my body, I wanted to keep my little boy safe in me, delivering him would make our terrifying journey of CDH real.... role on 9 years and my body was again gripped with fear, all the what if's were at the forefront of my mind. I hear myself saying between sobs.."take me home, I want to go home"

I met the surgeon really nice man he examined my boobs then drew diagram and said "he would remove lump and take 1cm around, then remove all lymph nodes"

He ordered CT of chest/abdo, bone scan and blood work up - having this done tomorrow then see him monday 4;45 for results and to work out a plan.
If CT or Bone scan show anything, chemo is the first option.

I asked about staging and he said he would have more of an idea after scans. He "thought" it looked like early breast cancer (let's hope)

Glass is half full

with love 
Shaz x

drawing a blank

Thursday 16th August:

Tearful goodbye to my beautiful children as they head to school.  Miss 13 wishing me luck, Master 9 "loves me to the moon and back way more" A hug and kiss with "pick you up at 2" from my wonderful hubby....

I am feeling every emotion possible right now, trying to put my feelings into words and all I'm drawing is a blank. My heart is so heavy and I am  feeling incredibly sad :(

I plan to stay busy leading up to my appointment time.  We have a quiz night for our netball club this Saturday.  This is my second year of being President and the quiz night is loads of fun.  I have prizes everywhere and the committee and I will be working out what prizes with be raffles, silent auction etc.

We have a new sponsor to the netball club and I met the owner of the business last night.  Warm hearted, intelligent big teddy bear, who hugged me and wished me well.  {it's nice to know people are still compassionate)

My postings may be rambles and all over the place, basically typing my thoughts.

Yes, my glass is half full.
Be kind to yourself, I'm trying

Shaz xxxx

Really??? oh ok!

On Tuesday 14th of August 2012 at 2.10pm I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. 

I was sat in my GP's office with my husband of 14 years and was told "I'm sorry, it's bad news". 
My life flashed by..... I have 2 beautiful children, a husband who I adore, a father who is heartbroken after we lost Mum with Mesothelioma not even 2 years ago and now I have Breast Cancer... WTF!

Rewind:  
We were enjoying a gorgeous holiday in Bali with beautiful friends, when I felt a lump in my left breast.  I have never felt a lump before and this one was large, hard and wasn't in my breast when I went to bed.

We arrived home and I called for an appointment with my GP.  She has reduced her hours, so I had to wait a week for the appointment.  "Yes, hmmm, I can feel the lump".  "Please make an appointment for a Mammogram, U/S and biopsy if needed"  
First available appointment was another 9 days away, Monday 13th August, 11.30am.

Monday 13th:  Our day started as normal, kids off to school and I cleaned up the house before my 10.20am Volleyball game.

11;30am:  Went in for my Mammogram.  I had to giggle as the lady had to change the film to a larger size, me and my big girls!
After they were satisfied with the Mammogram films, I was taken into the U/S room.  Was asked if I they could U/S both breasts. The doctor was thorough and when he went to the left breast (lump side) he spent alot of time on my underarms.  Alarm bells were ringing and I knew the next step was "biopsy".
I have never had a biopsy, strange sensation and I was so scared.  With a reassuring smile, the doctor started taking samples.
I lay on the table, whilst this strange man took samples from my breast and lymph node with tears streaming down my face.... oh why me?

Tuesday 14th:  Day again started as normal, I was out and about seeing to my errands.  Arrived home, unpacked my shopping, started to make lunch when I noticed a missed call on my mobile and a voicemail message.  It was my GP asking me to call her on her mobile ASAP.
I called and she said "where are you?, can you please come in for your husband ASAP"  I answered yes and called my hubby straight away.

We arrived at the clinic and waited 3 minutes, ushered into my GP's office and was told ""I'm sorry, it's bad news"

I have an appointment with the Breast Clinic at Mount Hospital, we have private insurance and was told that is the best place to go, on Thursday 16th August at 3pm.

We came home, had a bloody big cry and off to tell my Dad.  Hardest thing I have had to do and couldn't get the words out.  I asked Dad to let our family in England know.

We then went to pick our gorgeous children up from school.  When we arrived home, I waited until they sorted themselves out and then asked them to sit down. 
{how on earth can I tell them... look at them, they are babies.....}  
With a deep breathe  I told them I had Breast Cancer.  Our big girl cried and asked "are you ok?"  She is so amazing.  Our little fella just sat and listened, we could see him thinking. We asked if they had questions, told them if they had any we would write them down and ask the doctor on Thursday.  
We all had a laugh "gee Mum always wanted smaller boobs"

I immediately started telling friends, after telling the family, I want those I care about to hear it from me, I hate gossip.

I am overwhelmed with the outpouring of love,  My beautiful family and  I THANK YOU.  The love and support is humbling and you all make me feel so much stronger.

This is just the start of our journey, I say "our"  as everyone that knows my family, knows we do EVERYTHING together.

My glass has and will always be half full.

Until next time, be kind to each other and tell your loved ones how much you love them.

Shaz xxx